Tiger Mother

During my visit to New York last summer I visited the Plaza, where outside that famous hotel, Ai Weiwei’s giant sculptures of the Chinese zodiac were on display for all to see. While admiring, I discovered that I was born in the year of the Tiger (1974).

Upon returning home I did some research about my ‘Tiger’ status. Come to find out, although I don’t fit the description of a Tiger perfectly, there are some significant accuracies. Words like authoritative, need for control, and intense stuck out; words that I fully realize have connotations both positive and negative. (Interestingly, even more accurate were the descriptions of my Ox husband. It may be that my Tiger-ness is kept in bounds due to the fact that my significant other happens to be an Ox. My kids are a Rabbit and two Monkeys, we’ve got a good menagerie over here)

Anyway…all last year I kept hearing and reading about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother; one of the most talked about and controversial books of 2011. After a recent and intriguing review by a friend, and one from a favorite blogger in AZ, I decided it was time to read the book myself. After all, the author, Amy Chua, was born in the year of the Tiger like myself. So we are both considered ‘Tiger Mothers.’ I wanted to see what that meant.

Let’s just say, I couldn’t put the book down.

It’s my turn to pick the book for book group next month, and this one is definitely it! There’s so much to think about and discuss. I know the women in my book group and I know their mothering sensibilities. I can guarantee that they will have plenty to say about this book.

Right from the first page you can see why it has been labeled ‘controversial.’ Amy Chua does a bang-up job of praising the typically hard hitting, disciplined, get-results Chinese style of parenting; all the while hard-handedly bashing the more (as she states it) ‘laid back, soft and permissive’ Western parenting style. She certainly traffics in exaggerated stereotypes throughout the book, but I’m sure her purpose in doing so was to make a strong point…which indeed she does.

Of course there were many of Chua’s parenting choices (some of which backfired on her with the more strong-willed of her two daughters) that I could not and would not endorse (i.e. threatening to burn all of her children’s beloved stuffed animals if they didn’t practice correctly, never allowing them to have play dates, taking them out of elective school classes they enjoyed to have more practice time, and so on)

I did find it humbling and a bit disconcerting though, to see a little of myself in some of her negative parenting actions. I think it must be that tiger-like, controlling, intense thing (which of course is not a good excuse). When it comes to belittling and berating a child as a means of coercion…all I need to ask myself is “What would Jesus do?” and I’m 100% certain of the answer. He wouldn’t resort to those things, ever.

Although many of Chua’s methods are extreme (and yes, very controversial) several of her philosophies and ideas are a bit harder to argue with.

Like this one for instance…

"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it.  To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist. Things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up.  But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something - whether it's math, piano, pitching, or ballet - he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity, fun."

Very true.

Here’s another one that was underlined by many readers (if you read on a Kindle you can see what sentences other readers underline the most)…

"Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't."

Very true too.

I’ve been thinking about those ideas, but what I’ve been thinking about most since reading the book are two things…

First…parenting is hard! It is simply impossible to get it right all the time no matter how good your intentions, no matter how diligent. No one worked harder and stuck more tenaciously to what she believed (for better or for worse) than Amy Chua. Some of what she did was extremely successful, some of it not at all, but she most certainly learned along the way; and in the end, modified her beliefs and actions significantly. Parenting requires rigid tenacity and flexibility, both. The real trick is knowing when to be rigid and when to be flexible. (I’m not sure I’m very good at knowing when to be what)

Second…people tend to parent according to what they value most. If accomplishment, success and high achievement is what you value most (like Amy Chua), you will parent accordingly. If exploration, self discovery, balance, and living your passions is what is valued most then you will parent accordingly, and so on. Having said that though, how much of those values actually rub off and stick with your children, depends on so many factors that are, for the most part, out of a parent’s control. You can only do your best and then it becomes a wait and see scenario.

Since the read, I’ve been pondering about what I value most and whether or not my parenting reflects that. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve certainly decided that I want to give more of myself to my kids. I’ve concluded that I often under estimate my children and what they are capable of (especially my boys for some reason). I’ve decided that all three are capable of more than I give them credit for. One of my jobs as a mother is to help them discover the best that’s in them…if I can.

I’ve also been made more aware that I tend to worry (more than I previously thought or am comfortable with) about whether or not my children will be angry with me or like me if I enforce something they don’t relish. Although I want my children to like me, it should not be the #1 priority when it comes to what is right for them. I fully believe that being a parent and being liked do not always go hand in hand. But it seems that is much easier said then done in the day to day.

I would say that there is a rising pressure among so-called ‘western’ parents to be liked by their children. I think we are afraid that our children will rebel or fail to become their true selves if we are too strict, and so we are therefore much too lenient. For instance…my children, all three of them, will often behave as if I’m plucking their eyelashes out one by one if I require them to practice piano (only 30 minutes for MK and 15 minutes for the boys per day, Chua’s girls would practice 6 to 8 hours a day even on vacation) and complete their homework before they can play. My children often throw such fits about these requirements that I actually question my demands, whether or not I am being too harsh. And then sometimes I cave, even though I know for certain my demands are not at all too much to ask of them, and are in fact, in their best interest.

Amy Chua’s experiences have helped me in this respect. I’m growing a bit tougher of a backbone, I guess you could say. Nothing close to the likes of Chua though. Holy Cow!

Amy Chua and her daughters LuLu and Sophia – google images

Long post I know, but it’s what’s on my mind after this fascinating read. There is so much more I could say too, but I’ll spare you. If you really want to read something that shocks you, but also makes you think long and hard about this blessed experiment that is often called parenting read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Then choose it for book group.

p.s. I’m also curious about your Chinese Zodiac. What animal are you? Any other tigers out there?