I saw this picture awhile back and thought, "This is me, I feel exactly like this so much of my life!" It made me sad actually. I thought about how many nights I go to bed feeling terrible about myself, thinking about all the negative and contentious interactions that I had with my children. All day I yell, punish, and feel frustrated, resentful, and overwhelmed.
I realize that something needs to change, so when I saw the author of this book being interviewed on the Today Show my ears perked right up!
Scream free parenting? Is that even possible? I ordered the book. I read the book, and I have to say folks, I learned a bit about myself. No, my parenting skills have not be revolutionized (yet), but what I read has given me much to think about.
Here's the author's main idea....
When we scream, yell, and emotionally react to our children we are communicating one single message to them: CALM ME DOWN!
We are begging our children to calm our anxieties. We're telling them we just can't handle that they are misbehaving, not obeying, making a mess, etc, etc and we flip out.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD WERE YOU THINKING"
"I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS"
"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU"
Think of a phrase you always say when you're angry with your children and behind it is really this: "I need you to comply so I can calm back down. All my emotional responses are up to you."
To quote the author:
"When we put all our emotional buttons in the children's hands, we become totally focused on them. We have begun a sort of orbit around them, attaching all of our emotional responses to how they perform in school, whether they use good manners, or whatever other choices they're making today. The entire family's emotional life is now tied to the whims, frailties, and growing pains of the least mature members of the family."
I had quite the epiphany when I read that. Basically, I'm letting two four year old boys and a nine year old girl control me, a 34 year old adult who should know better. Looks like my problem isn't that I need to make my kids behave so I will become calm, looks like I need to figure out how to calm down all by myself.
Now, Mr. Hal doesn't say that the kids should be allowed to do whatever they want as we sit in a corner and count to ten, but he suggests that when we grow ourselves up and behave like adults, we are much better able to discipline by principles and love than by anger and desperation. Principled discipline goes a lot further than screaming empty threats at our children's faces.
The title of the book suggests that these ideas are "revolutionary." They really aren't. All I really need to do is be a much more Christ-like person in my approach to my children. Elder Paker said once, (and I paraphrase) " A study of Christ and His doctrines will do more to change behavior than a study of behavior will change behavior." I believe that is true, although it is easier said than done.
So folks, I'm on a path. I realize it will be long one, but I truly want to become a better parent. I want my relationships with my children to be more peaceful and more productive. I'm tired of going to bed feeling bad about my mothering abilities. Have I stopped yelling since I read the book? Of course not. I have though, honestly and searchingly thought about what is motivating all the yelling and I have found it to be so much more about me than the kids. This is a good first step right? I mean you can't change anything you won't acknowledge as a problem.
I will be posting more about this later, I'm sure. Maybe the next post will be about how I'm bagging the whole philosophy and I will have decided to embrace the yelling version of me, but I'm hoping for better. If any of you, who's opinions I trust and value, have any good insight for me, please share. In the mean time I've got to go and kiss the kids goodnight and apologize for all the yelling I did today.
12 comments:
I hope to see you along that path! Living in someone elses house seriously limits the yelling you allow yourself to do at your kids! :) I'll try not to make up for lost time.
I admire you for being a parent in the first place, and I think you're that much more cool for recognizing areas to improve in. I think you're the bomb and I love you and yours.
I don't have any great insight as you know that I have just started down this parenting path, but from what I can see in the stage Caleb is in, it can definitely be frustrating sometimes. Thanks for sharing what you learned from that book. I think all of us as parents need to remember that quote about being Christlike to our children. Thanks so much for your awesome example! Love you tons! You're the best!
Speaking as one who has thought about this topic for years and has reached the time when it is too late to make all the changes necessary--in other words the damage is already done--there is a true principle in what the author said. When we become frustrated and angry at our children, it really does relate back to selfishness. I yelled when MY clean house was disrupted, when MY time with my friends or MY opportunity to do what I wanted was denied me. When I focused on me, the result was usually frustration, anger and later regrets. When my focus was on my family, things went smoothly. However, you need to be gentle on yourself at times. No one is perfectly selfless. Only Christ obtained that level of perfection. There are other factors too, fatigue and stress that you sometimes cannot control. It's a good thing we can apologize and ask for forgiveness and that children forgive and forget easily. I hope you've forgiven me for weaknesses as your mother, because I really have tried to repent and do better. I love you and your kids--your husband is okay too. You are a great family and I'm very proud of you. Love, Mom
I have to echo whoever angela is. I'm not qualified to offer any suggestions or insight. The worst Eli has done today is ram his toy vacuum over and over and over and over into my wall...but oh, I know it's coming. With two little boys so close together and Zack as their father, I KNOW I'm in for it. I will most likely be calling you in a year or two pulling my hair out and threatening to mail my children to you. I agree, though, that in all relationships...the best way is the Christ centered approach. It is SO much easier said than done, but entirely fulfilling when we get it right for a few minutes. The only thing I tell myself when I start feeling like a failure as a mom is that there are not good days and bad days. (there would never be any good days) But there are good moments....moments of joy and fulfillment where you really understand and feel what you are doing is worth it all. I love you Jill and think you are an amazing mother!
Is there a rule that you can't respond to the same blog twice? I had another thought. We always say that parenting is the hardest job in the world. Perhaps that is not true. Maybe overcoming selfishness is the most difficult task we are given. Parenting seems difficult because it thrusts us so often into that battle between genuine concern for others and our stubborn self-abosorbtion. Even as our children grow older and the problems are no longer the irritations of everyday family life, but the huge decisions our children make that we know could potentially bring them to great harm, we are still stumbling with selfishness as we fret about our fears and our disappointments rather than focus on our love for them and our faith in a loving Father in Heaven who can help them in so many ways. Once again, be patient with yourself. If this is such a mammoth task (overcoming selfishness), we can not be expected to master it in a day or two or even a few years. Luckily we have this entire life and into the eternities. I know how much Heavenly Father must be pleased that you are willing to take on this task of raising a family and thereby overcoming. He must be so proud that you are self-aware and seeking for ways to improve. I know he feels that way because I feel it as your earthly mother.
Oh, such heartrending thoughts and advice. As I think about it all, I just remember that children and husbands (young or old) tend to bring out the worst in us. Part of the game is recognizing ourselves as who we are.Then the game is not so overwhelming. I apologize to all of my children for not being a perfectly-tempered mother and want them to know that I am doing much better now!
jill - i like this post a lot. i am only 1/4 a parent - or something like that and the other night, i was staring down marguerite and asking her, with a little too much force, to pick up the mess she had just made during a tantrum. at some point - i stopped and looked at myself and realized that i was out of control in my reaction. i was modeling just what she was doing - sort of throwing a tantrum.
she is a funny little one because she loves a power struggle and is super stubborn (hello, marc?), but i realized that i indulge her when i get all worked up and crazy. so, i've decided that if i expect her to be in control, i've got to be as well.
hence, your post is tres apropos for this girl.
you are the bomb jill. you are a bomb mom and you've got bomb kids. love you.
Jill, don't be too hard on yourself - I haven't even figured out how babies are made, let alone how to raise them unselfishly. I really admire the way you make an effort every day to do the things that don't necessarily come easy to you. As a child of a mother, I can tell you that your kids see your efforts, and as time passes it will help them not only have confidence that you won't give up on them, it will teach them how to do life as well; that is, to always keep trying. Keep us posted on your progress (or lack of) and best wishes. I love you and yours and I'm particularly enamored with you at the moment because you sent me homemade cookies. I'm sorry that your aliens didn't go away like I promised, but the cookies were spectacular.
Peter cornered this guy named Dan in church a few weeks ago. Why? Dan and his wife have six angelic well-behaved children, yet they make parenting seem almost effortless.
Sure part of that is genetics, but Peter asked him what their parenting strategies were and they reiterated the fact that emotional parenting, corporal punishment and uber-discipline don't really work. Dan went on to say that what really matters is that you consistently correct in a non-emotional way.
So we've been trying this and while it hasn't drastically improved our demons into angels, it does work as well as or better than what we were doing before.
Anyhow, we're a work in progress. And maybe next month we'll be back to our old ways. But it's much less stressful this way and like you said, I don't feel like my world revolves around how good or bad my kids are anymore.
Well, after much contemplation about your thought-provoking blog, I have decided to leave my comments. It is ironic that you posted such a blog because I have done a lot of reflecting on this parenting topic lately. It seems that Heavenly Father has given me a second chance to do it right. As you know I pretty much have two different families. I am raising my little ones at the same time my girls are raising theirs. Your mom's comments were quite profound. I thought she might write a book (you know the book " All I ever needed to learn I learned in kindergarten") "All I ever needed to learn in life I learned while being a parent". I'm sure she could come up with a more creative title. I loved what she said about parenting not being the hardest job but overcoming selfishness. I am reading a great book right now entitled "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child" by Kevin Hinckley. He talks about the rebellion in heaven and how pride is the root of all problems. Isn't pride the pre-curser of selfishness? I loved what Dan said via Cami about correcting consistently in a non-emotional way. That pretty much sums up my sister Jennifer and her 10 + children. She is a firm parent but never raises her voice. Her children are living proof that system works. Seriously wouldn't it change the dynamics of our families if our children could count on a consistent response from us as they misbehave? I haven't figured this out yet after 22 years of parenting. I have many examples in my life on this non-emotional response system and it appears to hold true with their children. You can be firm and kind. "Be kind to show respect to your children & be firm to show respect to yourself." "Your gentleness shall force more than your force move them to gentleness ". Just a few of my favorite parenting quotes. I guess what it boils down to is this- the more spiritually centered and connected you are with a higher power in any given day, the better job you do as a parent that day. I say day because sometimes it is a day to day adventure.
Jill, you must be extra highly favored of the Lord because you got two for the price of one :) I think you're an awesome parent. Even though your mom said she made some mistakes you two seem to love to be around each other now and have a close relationship and that is what matters. The finished product is what counts. Your kids will feel the same about you when their grown. I sure love you. Keep up the wonderful blog writing
Belinda
Love this post. Obviously, we can relate to the topic on many levels. I want to just reach into my monitor and hug your mom's words, they are so wonderful. Love Janice (though she may not remember me from high school days-sniff, sniff), love you, love being a parent (all challenges not included).
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